The effect of one flesh in Christian marriage

All quotes are from NASB 1995.

Divorce

What is the Christian view on marriage? Well there’s a basic set of rules and procedures. I might not have got all of them, but all the important ones should be here.

  1. Don’t have sex before marriage.
  2. If you are married, don’t have sex with anyone other than your spouse.
  3. Don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.
  4. Marriage begins with a formal public ceremony.
  5. Marriage may end with divorce.
  6. Marriage may end with death.
  7. You may only be married to one person at a time.

Now some may object to these saying it doesn’t cover those who are transgender, bisexual, etc., but I’m going to ignore it in this article. In addition, I will ignore nearly all of the above rules except #5: marriage may end with divorce.

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.
— Deuteronomy 24:1-4

Bam. Proved it. Marriage may be dissolved through divorce.

The verses above are interesting though because they are quoted by Jesus in the New Testament.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. “If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell. “It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
— Matthew 5:27-32
Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’? “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”
— Matthew 19:3-12

That’s not good. This is a direct contradiction of rule #5. It seems that the actual rule should be the marriage may end if one of the two people in that marriage commits adultery. I have no idea where this idea that you can remarry after divorce came from, but it’s not Christian.

More correct model of marriage

I could stop here, this is the big point I wanted to make, but I’m going to continue because I really like the idea behind this rule.

Jesus quotes the creation of man, which mentions two becoming one flesh. But what exactly does that mean?

Here’s the original passage that Jesus quoted:

The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
— Genesis 2:22-24

This passage should make it clear what one flesh means:

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.
— 1 Corinthians 6:15-18

You don’t marry a prostitute. You have sex with her. So becoming one flesh with a prostitute is having sex with her for the first time. Marriage begins with the consummation, not with you may kiss the bride.

This view is consistent with Old Testament law.

“If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife. “If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the dowry for virgins.
— Exodus 22:16-17

One way to view this is that the man and the woman are now one flesh. She is his wife, so he must formally marry her. This is mainly to protect the woman from the man leaving her, which would not be good for her because she is no longer a virgin, and therefore is less desirable to men. Additionally, though this passage doesn’t mention it, if we take the strict view of one flesh, it would be adultery for her to marry another man.

“If any man takes a wife and goes in to her and then turns against her, and charges her with shameful deeds and publicly defames her, and says, ‘I took this woman, but when I came near her, I did not find her a virgin,’ then the girl’s father and her mother shall take and bring out the evidence of the girl’s virginity to the elders of the city at the gate. “The girl’s father shall say to the elders, ‘I gave my daughter to this man for a wife, but he turned against her; and behold, he has charged her with shameful deeds, saying, “I did not find your daughter a virgin.” But this is the evidence of my daughter’s virginity.’ And they shall spread the garment before the elders of the city. “So the elders of that city shall take the man and chastise him, and they shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give it to the girl’s father, because he publicly defamed a virgin of Israel. And she shall remain his wife; he cannot divorce her all his days. “But if this charge is true, that the girl was not found a virgin, then they shall bring out the girl to the doorway of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death because she has committed an act of folly in Israel by playing the harlot in her father’s house; thus you shall purge the evil from among you.
— Deuteronomy 22:13-21

To summarize, if the woman was not a virgin when she married, she could be stoned. She is already one with another man, and so marriage to this man is adultery.

“If a man is found lying with a married woman, then both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman, and the woman; thus you shall purge the evil from Israel. “If there is a girl who is a virgin engaged to a man, and another man finds her in the city and lies with her, then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city and you shall stone them to death; the girl, because she did not cry out in the city, and the man, because he has violated his neighbor’s wife. Thus you shall purge the evil from among you. “But if in the field the man finds the girl who is engaged, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lies with her shall die. “But you shall do nothing to the girl; there is no sin in the girl worthy of death, for just as a man rises against his neighbor and murders him, so is this case. “When he found her in the field, the engaged girl cried out, but there was no one to save her. “If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days.
— Deuteronomy 22:22-29

In the case that a man rapes a virgin, she was to be his wife. I suspect this is because she was now one flesh with him, and that she is now less desirable to men that would otherwise marry her.

Since some say that the law above about raping a virgin is harmful to the woman, I will include this passage about the rape of Tamar, King David’s virgin daughter.

When she [Tamar] brought them to him [Amnon] to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” But she answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing! “As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with a very great hatred; for the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up, go away!” But she said to him, “No, because this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you have done to me!” Yet he would not listen to her. — 2 Samuel 13:11-16

Overall, there seems to be an emphasis on virginity before marriage, and these passages do not conflict with the view that becoming one flesh is what initiates marriage.

Final verse that I’m not quite sure how to fit in, but seems like it should be in here:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
— Ephesians 5:22-33

Problems with the popular view of marriage

Reiterating the original rules I had above:

  1. Don’t have sex before marriage.
  2. If you are married, don’t have sex with anyone other than your spouse.
  3. Don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.
  4. Marriage begins with a formal public ceremony.
  5. Marriage may end with divorce.
  6. Marriage may end with death.
  7. You may only be married to one person at a time.

Keeping divorce in these rules ruins marriage. If divorce actually worked like this, it would be permissible for a Christian man to divorce his wife, marry a prostitute, divorce the prostitute, then remarry his original wife. In fact, some branches of Islam allow prostitution via this method. This idea of marriage also falls apart when you remove government and religious institutions. Now there’s no one to declare you and your fiancée married. If you can never marry, maybe the rules are broken? Or maybe marriage doesn’t even exist and you can have sex with whoever you want?

Removing divorce from this list of rules (except in cases of adultery), results in a ban on prostitution, as is expected in Christianity. However, if you replace these arbitrary rules with the model that two … become one flesh, marriage now exists apart from human institutions and you can derive many of the original rules from the model.

Conclusions

Updated 2024-02-11